Yesterday

Wow. I have had these results for awhile. Since I got them I have listened to the song Yesterday several times. It has certainly become one of my favorite Beatles songs. These results hit me on the head...hard. I don't want them to be true, but my first instinct was WTF? How did they know?? Everyone I have asked said that it hits the nail on the head for me.

Yesterday
You have a tendency to focus on the past: past mistakes, past happiness, past love. Everything seems easier and simpler in retrospect. You are quite sentimental and you have a good heart. As your life progresses, a lot of things you once valued will become unimportant to you, and some of the things you did not care about before will become extremely valuable to you. Maturity will sharpen your perspective, but those happy, simple times of coloring and tag will always remain in your memory. And waiting just ahead of you are even more wonderful memories to be made.

It has an upbeat ending, I guess. But it really depresses me because I see so much truth in it. After getting it, I have tried hard to become the person different from the one who go these results.

Work as if you don't need the money.
Love as if you have never been hurt.
Dance as if no one is watching.

I have almost always followed the third one (and made an ass of myself every time). The second strikes a chord. I am always afraid, not just of love-ache, but other things (all emotional). I have decided to strike a new path. The other me can just go screw himself.

*added afterward*
I still want to be sentimental and good hearted, and there are some things that will never lose value.

An all around update

I am a writer. I write in many different ways. I have been writing poetry, scripts, books, short stories, essays, lyrics, and other stuff. I have several book ideas going on right now, and I have been thinking about some short stories, occasionally i come up with a new song, essays are rare, scripts are common, but i dont work on them often, and i love poetry, though like songs, new ones are at best occasional.

A friend recently asked me if writing was how I vented feelings. I kind of do. I vent my sad feelings by writing, and my happy ones. I have written two angry songs, and neither are pleasant. I didnt like writing them much, but it really helped.

Anger is vented mostly by being angry. When I am angry there are two ways I vent with music. One is to listen to happy Beatles songs (ie. A Hard Day's Night, Eight Days A Week, etc.), but when I am angry sometimes I listen to angry music (Rammstein), which accelerates the feelings, but it keeps me pleasant around company. Sometimes I get mean though. When I look back on experiences when I was mean, I really don't like them. Being mean when I am angry makes me very upset, probably more so than when I was angry, but in a sad way, not an angry way.


I had the most horrible realization the other day. Me and my bro were out buying laundry detergeant for my mom, and there was cleaning supplies on the other side. I saw "Easy-Bam off!" and I thought to myself, "Hey, when I'm older thats what I want in my bathroom." Then I realized what that meant. In five years, I will be in my freshman year of college, and living alone (or with a roommate). I will have to buy my cleaning supplies, and laundry detergeant. Then I saw the price for "Easy-Bam Off!" It was 6.49. This may sound cheap, but that seemed like a lot of money, especially when I will need another in a few weeks. 6.49 is nothing. But when you add sponges, paper towels, silverware, laundry detergeant, dish soap, shampoo, body soap, conditioner, tooth paste, tooth brushes, mouth rinse, tissue, toilet paper, windex, regular towels, and all the other stuff, most of which has to be replaced often, that is a lot of money. And I will have to shop for all that stuff too. And thats just keeping a house going. What about when I have kids?? Diapers, toys, diapers, clothes, diapers. Then more toys, ipod, phone, all this stuff. I have no concept of money. I have a job, make money, spend it. But in reality I pay for nothing. I will work and spend. Is that what my whole life will be?? Wow, this is depressing.

Talking about life. I feel young. I feel ignorant and like I lack too much knowledge. I also have no idea what to do with my life. I hate my indecision.But, what the hell. I'm 14. People who know exactly what they wanna do with their life for sure when they're 14 should open their mind to more. lol

THE GMAIL CONSPIRACY!!!!

I was signing on to gmail today when I realized there was something wrong. After signing on there is usually a loading screen. The window is blank, and there is a red, underlined sign that says loading usually, which is in the top left hand corner. This time, there was a loading sign slightly below the left corner, but it was black and bold. I am beginning to investigate the case. Now, be patient everyone, I am no Carly Frankel, but I do have ability. Although.....I have only even begun to theorize one thing. The whole difference in gmail is the font change on the loading screen. Hmmmmm.... font change...

I've got it! Font change! This case must be related to the Raisin Bran conspiracy! Interesting progression... I must consult with Frankel!

I am back everyone, I will be surprised if anyone reads this though...

Hello, my name is John. Thank you, sir. Your welcome, sir. Nice to meet you. [Random name], good to see you. What are these? The things i say to be polite. My mom tells me often how polite I am. Well.....I have to say....SCREW THAT!

I am sick of being nice and people being assholes. Most of the people i am nice to are nice to me, but what about the 99.999% of the earth's population i have never met?? People are jerks! All the time! I AM SICK OF IT. Before i have a chance to be polite, they are a dick. WTF? And if not, its some racist biggoted pinprick who decides it'd be helpful to have me as a frined. What jerks humans are. I feel like punching these people, but good ol' John is too nice for that. Or is that I am afraid? Of consequences. I hate them. I hate myself too. I just read a blog from my aunty tricia, and she was talking about how she always knew who she was, but could never accept it. I feel both ways. I have no clue who I am, and I'm sure if/when i find out, I will be disappointed in myself. This is a lose lose situation. Should I constantly give in to urges, and be what my guts says to be, no matter what my brain says. My "E's" in skool would disappear. Ugh, just thinking about some of my teachers is making me fume. I wish I could just walk up to them, laugh in their face, ask them if they think i am stupid, and then before they can reply tell them that obviously they consider my stupid when they themselves are too stupid to see me. What jerks. GOD! WTF?! Maybe I am just in a foul mood, which upsets me cuz 30 minutes ago I was in a fabulous mood. I hate skool. I want to quit. But I love my history teacher, he is super intelligent, and I listen to everything he says. If he could teach all my classes skool would rock. Where is this all coming from? Is it just recent events, or am I just letting out long hidden things. I hate to think about what a nice kid i used to be. I feel like a dick 2! And I say that going, "but I put up with so much" but I really dont. Mentally at least. Anger builds up and I release it in things. i dont even no where i am releasing it. Is this the first time I am releasing it? I no I can be a prick, but it is usually in a calculated way. Not anger. Not hot anger at least. Cold Anger. I wish I had known that i would get to Cold Anger when I wrote the title for the blog. I am a jerk. Cold calculated anger is so much worse than screaming I think. Then why do I do it? Self control issues? "Crimes of Passion?" I wonder if people who read this are going to go, "what a freak, how do i hang out with him??" I consider myself mature, but this blog seems so juvenile. I knew from the beginning i was going to post it, but my gut says "DONT!!" But we both no I am going too. Ugh, the critics are going to be tough.

COLD ANGER


(added after rereading this)
HOW JUVENILE!

What should I start with? Attempting to be an artist, or the limitations of age?

I just read a blog that my aunt tricia posted. She was talking about her struggle as an artist and disappointments when things dont go the way you planned. You try and try to realize your a brilliant artist, fortunately for tricia, she already has. She's a brilliant actress, just waiting for the right oppurtunity. I am realizing that i am a descent writer, and working on a great idea. Ideas flow from my brain, and the plot progresses, characters develope, and now.....dead end. I cannot decide on a major plot point that will determine two characters problems and interactions for the rest of the book. So, what do I do? Do i take the easy way out, and erase it all together, incorporate what it means in some other fashion, or spend the days necessary to work it into the plot, probably delaying the first draft by over a week or two. I feel trapped, with brainstormer;s block. Unable to act, because it would pivot the whole book, and almost ruin it, if i made the wrong descision.

Moving on to the limitations of age. Too tired. I'll talk about it later.

This...well..work is....idk

I feel totally out of place in the office. I feel like i am doing grunt work that people tell me they appreciate so that I keep doing it. I feel like everyone views me as unprofessional, but at the same time, i feel unprofessional too, especially when i have no belt (mom!). I also feel kind of alone, because there is no one very close to my age, except Helen, but she is out of the office right now. Sometimes i also get the feeling that maybe I am in over my head, like, "I'm just a kid, y am i working at a job??" It feels like i am wasting time, like, i could be working on a script, or reading a book, or playing with the cats, or going on hikes, or writing songs, or doing random ass dumb teenager stuff. Still, I cant complain, $150 dollar checks every two weeks is really nice, but i keep asking myself if it's worth it. My mom keeps telling me that if i wasnt there, she would be doing the work i am, and because i am there, she doesnt have to so she can do her job instead of trying to do a million things, and getting nothing accomplished in the mean time. Me and my bro started working on a new project, but i feel like that one is being crushed by our schedules. And in a week i am leaving town for a week. What will happen to the ideas with chris? How will things go at the office? Will people be glad i'm not there, sad i'm not there, or simply indifferent? How will things go in RE4? Ugh, sometimes i bable on. Like i started the blog, with the specific purpose of talking about work, and end talking about random stuff, and then talk about how i am feeling during the blog. Like, i have all my feelings from the day being poured in, but my current emotions are going in at the same time. And now i am discussing the blog writing process. I think its odd how my mind works, sometimes it feels like my train's of thought, have no linear plot. Lol, i just rhymed without meaning to..wow. Now i am totally embarassed and am thinking about not posting the blog, but have now decided that i dont want to bottle up feelings. Now reading the text i've written. Thinking about war of the worlds and how the crazy guy in the basement that tom cruise hides with makes the pun "dead set on living." Thinking about his expression while he says it. About what his name is...Tim Robin perhaps? idk, btw, before i wrote the previous sentence i imagined it in my mind typed on the screen, lol. I also thought about the shotgun he was holding when he said it, which reminds me of resident evil 4, the game me and my bro are playing, cuz it looks just like the first shotgun u get in it. This reminds of the place where u get it, the village, which reminds me of the mercenaries mode for the village, which makes me think about the docks mercenary mode map, which makes me think about the island mercenary map, which makes me think about the character u unlock by doing it, which is Hunk, which makes me think about the character u get for doing the docks, which is Wesker, which makes me think about the character you get for doing the castle which is Krauser. Now i realize this blog is totally boring. I have typed for a while now, simply writing my train of thought. I hope this hasnt discouraged people from reading furture posts, i know most people wont (especially tricia), but i still worry. Now i worry that tricia will feel like i expect it of her to read my pointless blog all the time, and therefore will feel like she shouldnt. Maybe i should stop blogging, this seems like an outlet that could work, but isnt. idk, i am in a weird mood right now.

I am leaving town on th 22nd

I am going to visit my awesome Aunt Tricia in New York City!! Yipee!! ("yipee??" "Hey, my attitude has latitude") Anyway, so yeah. I am going to have the most awesome time and i will be gone for a week. So yeah. I really cannot wait, you know i love everyone i know in LA, but these next twelve days will not go nearly fast enough. Not nearly. Anyway, so yeah. Going to New York, gonna have a blast with two of the coolest people I no, and yeah.

On other news, the latest addition to the family is Hat. Hat-shep-suite (pronounched hat-shep-suit) is the new momma kitty we just rescued. She was very mean at first but that is because she had inflamed nipples cuz her kittens werent breast feeding anymore, but now her nipples are no longer inflamed so she is doing great. She is the sweetest and cutest thing ever, but my bro still is weird around her cuz she bit him really hard while she still had inflamed nipples. So now he makes fun of her, by calling her "nipples" or "inflamed nipples lady." Anyway, yeah. The only problem is Chester and Cibil dont like her cuz she's new or sumtin. Anyway, me and my bro regularly have to break up the fights that ensue. Anyway, yeah.

I really felt like i used the word nipples a lot in this blog. I hope it doesnt make all my uptight readers uncomfortable, lol.