Apparently, I was not fit for the part
A twinge of pain, and a splintered heart
Perhaps I'll be apt around the bend
But I have a feeling, that this is the end
I'm in hard times. But instead of growing worse, or growing better, I am not only in hard times, but also what seems like doldrums. In this sort of time, I usually go to someone, and ask for help.
I was recently talking to a close friend, and expressing my upset about a situation. She said I was being selfish, and that I should care about others. I was really offended, and didn't speak to her for a long time. Unfortunately, I have only recently realized how true she was.
After going to someone, and taking their advice, I would usually discard it. I wanted a quick fix, not that stuff about "time heals all wounds." My response to that has always been, "wounds leave scars."
The truth is, everyone is different. There is a large variety for methods of healing. For some people, a quick lay will do the trick. Some need another serious relationship. Other's need time. It's a great day when someone discovers what works for them. I can only hope that I have one in my near future.
After some reflection: Before 2008, I had never been rejected. So far this year, I have been rejected twice and had one really crappy relationship. Bad year, dude.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Another Beatle's test...
Blackbird
You have recently been given a newfound freedom. You are a very hopeful individual with a unique and creative mind. However you do not like being told what to do, and value your independence. You have a good deal of patience but may be a little insecure about yourself. However your independence will put you into new, challenging situations and you will find courage you did not know you had.
Well, that seems kind of accurate... I do think I'm creative, I like being told what to do, at an amusement park or something, but not when it comes to how to lead my life. I do value independence. I DEFINITELY have a good deal of patience, and i am more than a little insecure about myself. As for finding unknown courage, I don't know, cuz that's a prediction about the future! lol
You have recently been given a newfound freedom. You are a very hopeful individual with a unique and creative mind. However you do not like being told what to do, and value your independence. You have a good deal of patience but may be a little insecure about yourself. However your independence will put you into new, challenging situations and you will find courage you did not know you had.
Well, that seems kind of accurate... I do think I'm creative, I like being told what to do, at an amusement park or something, but not when it comes to how to lead my life. I do value independence. I DEFINITELY have a good deal of patience, and i am more than a little insecure about myself. As for finding unknown courage, I don't know, cuz that's a prediction about the future! lol
Monday, June 23, 2008
Have your ever felt like you're not ready to wake up in the morning?
Have you ever felt like you're not ready to wake up in the morning? And I don't mean, because you haven't finished your homework, or you need to make a cake and get a bunch of presents for someone. And I don't mean, in the morning. Have you ever felt like you're not ready to wake up in the morning, at night?
Tomorrow (today, actually) should be great. I'm gonna hang out with my friend, and play video games, we're probably gonna go the 7-11 and get Monster and chips and candy and then play more video games. Why the fuck shouldn't I be ready to wake up?
Is it the stress, from my girlfriend who puts odd pressures on me, while saying she can't see us together anymore (thank, God)? Is it the fact that all of my writing is strained and my new shit is terrible? Is it the fact, that I'm in love with the wrong person? Is it the fact that I have the nerve to write any of this down?
Am I being dramatic? Yes. Do I think about myself too often? Yes. Am I selfish? Sometimes. Does any part of anything matter? We can hope, can't we?
Who the hell am I to have an opinion of this world? I view it as a piece of ridiculous shit not worth my time, and I spend half my time wishing it was different, and the other half wishing it was just better.
Am I a cynical and angsty teenager? Yes. Am I unhappy with my life? Yes. Do I like muffins? Yes. Am I so self-centered that I basically lied to a girl who showed interest in me so that I wouldn't feel awkward? You know, I really wish I could say "no."
What the fuck is wrong with me that I have to announce to the public what I'm going through? I feel detached from all the people I would've once taken a bullet for, but would still take the bullet. I feel like I don't know or understand my best friends.
Do I have any talent as a writer? We'll figure that out eventually. Did I miss the opportunity for happiness? Probably. Am I bitching to myself and recording it for the public (or the few, if any, people still checking this blog)? Yes.
I just realized that I don't have the guts to change my life in the way it needs to be changed. A new door is opening though. High school, how I loathe thee.
High school, should I compare thee to a fair summer day?
Yes, I will, because i fucking hate the sun.
Everything think of me as a little crazier? Don't know what you just thought so tell me if ya read this.
Tomorrow (today, actually) should be great. I'm gonna hang out with my friend, and play video games, we're probably gonna go the 7-11 and get Monster and chips and candy and then play more video games. Why the fuck shouldn't I be ready to wake up?
Is it the stress, from my girlfriend who puts odd pressures on me, while saying she can't see us together anymore (thank, God)? Is it the fact that all of my writing is strained and my new shit is terrible? Is it the fact, that I'm in love with the wrong person? Is it the fact that I have the nerve to write any of this down?
Am I being dramatic? Yes. Do I think about myself too often? Yes. Am I selfish? Sometimes. Does any part of anything matter? We can hope, can't we?
Who the hell am I to have an opinion of this world? I view it as a piece of ridiculous shit not worth my time, and I spend half my time wishing it was different, and the other half wishing it was just better.
Am I a cynical and angsty teenager? Yes. Am I unhappy with my life? Yes. Do I like muffins? Yes. Am I so self-centered that I basically lied to a girl who showed interest in me so that I wouldn't feel awkward? You know, I really wish I could say "no."
What the fuck is wrong with me that I have to announce to the public what I'm going through? I feel detached from all the people I would've once taken a bullet for, but would still take the bullet. I feel like I don't know or understand my best friends.
Do I have any talent as a writer? We'll figure that out eventually. Did I miss the opportunity for happiness? Probably. Am I bitching to myself and recording it for the public (or the few, if any, people still checking this blog)? Yes.
I just realized that I don't have the guts to change my life in the way it needs to be changed. A new door is opening though. High school, how I loathe thee.
High school, should I compare thee to a fair summer day?
Yes, I will, because i fucking hate the sun.
Everything think of me as a little crazier? Don't know what you just thought so tell me if ya read this.
Friday, March 21, 2008
This dream was so f***ing weird....
Okay, so I'm in this forest area with a lot of people (mostly friends). Kind of a random collection of them. And there's this small lake in front of us. Maybe twenty feet, but really deep. And on the other side there was a little shack that was apparently a Lost and Found center. And apparently most people had lost something. Like, Henry had lost a bucket and Carly needed sixteen bags (I got the impression they were big and wondered how she would carry them). There was a small dirt pathway next to the lake to get there. So for some reason I decided to scramble there and I kinda pushed around and got to the shack. Then I was the first one inside and I walked up to the counter. There were various objects on the floor. When I was standing in front of this huge lady I remembered I hadn't lost anything. Feeling rather embarrassed that rushed past all these people who needed something when I did not, I turned tail and left. I also felt bad that I had pushed people around without a justified reason.
I began to walk across the dirt path when I was staring into the lake. I stopped dead in my tracks. It looked like a shark was swimming across the bottom of the lake back and forth, like in caves at the edges. A past acquaintance of mine, Jackie, had her foot in the lake. Even though I didn't like her much, I warned everyone of the shark. At first no one believed me but then I pointed it out, and everyone saw. Jackie quickly retracted her foot, and everyone began to back away from the lake. For some reason we couldn't go past the shack, only back the way we came. So we all began to do that, and the shark burst its head out of the water, and the whole forest area flooded. At this point, the shark turned into like a star shaped giant yellow squid or something. It had long yellow tentacles, but they had no suckers. But everyone could tell they were strong. So we all began to swim away. Looking back, I noticed that a friend of mine, Carly, was lagging a lot. And so I swam back a little, to help her, but as soon as I reached her she sped forward (like ridiculously fast). So I tried to catch up to her, and she started lagging again so I did. Then she was slow for awhile, and I was staying behind to help her. Then she sped forward ridiculously fast again and escaped. Meanwhile, the giant squid thing started to like create a small suction force thing, and this other girl, Raquel, and I were sucked in. The thing then picked up Raquel and broke her in half. Upon seeing this, you can imagine my fear. Then two tentacles started to come for me. I was surprised when I batted one aside, and made a tear on the other by pulling at it, when it broke Raquel with such minimal effort. Then I saw it had a weak spot. Like, where all the tentacles came together it had a small patch of soft tissue, with no beak. Not knowing what else to do, I punched it. To my surprise, it died at this point. Then I went home.
When I got home, I apparently had become Michael from Arrested Development. And I heard voice saying "And when Michael got home, He discovered the alien's brain function's had spread to his household appliances." The alien was apparently the squid thing, and whatever its brain function's were, it made all of vacuums and lights, and whatnot have a mind of there own and the vacuums started to bump into me. Not hard, but like they were nagging.
Then I woke up. After Andrew had a dream in Andrew's Travels 2, he wakes up and says "What the fuck?!" That was exactly my reaction. I think the Arrested Development thing came up cuz I was watching it last night. Maybe the shark became a squid cuz my brain didnt wanna deal with a shark, or maybe because I was watching this thing about giant squids last night (that thing was not, I repeat, was not a giant squid, it was a made up imaginary thing). After that, I have no clue. This has probably been the weirdest dream I've had, and certainly the most dumbfounding. Anyway, thought I'd share with the world how random my brain can be. See? It's not my fault I'm so weird.
**Note: The following comments from myself and Henry are nonsensical with no intellectual merit**
I began to walk across the dirt path when I was staring into the lake. I stopped dead in my tracks. It looked like a shark was swimming across the bottom of the lake back and forth, like in caves at the edges. A past acquaintance of mine, Jackie, had her foot in the lake. Even though I didn't like her much, I warned everyone of the shark. At first no one believed me but then I pointed it out, and everyone saw. Jackie quickly retracted her foot, and everyone began to back away from the lake. For some reason we couldn't go past the shack, only back the way we came. So we all began to do that, and the shark burst its head out of the water, and the whole forest area flooded. At this point, the shark turned into like a star shaped giant yellow squid or something. It had long yellow tentacles, but they had no suckers. But everyone could tell they were strong. So we all began to swim away. Looking back, I noticed that a friend of mine, Carly, was lagging a lot. And so I swam back a little, to help her, but as soon as I reached her she sped forward (like ridiculously fast). So I tried to catch up to her, and she started lagging again so I did. Then she was slow for awhile, and I was staying behind to help her. Then she sped forward ridiculously fast again and escaped. Meanwhile, the giant squid thing started to like create a small suction force thing, and this other girl, Raquel, and I were sucked in. The thing then picked up Raquel and broke her in half. Upon seeing this, you can imagine my fear. Then two tentacles started to come for me. I was surprised when I batted one aside, and made a tear on the other by pulling at it, when it broke Raquel with such minimal effort. Then I saw it had a weak spot. Like, where all the tentacles came together it had a small patch of soft tissue, with no beak. Not knowing what else to do, I punched it. To my surprise, it died at this point. Then I went home.
When I got home, I apparently had become Michael from Arrested Development. And I heard voice saying "And when Michael got home, He discovered the alien's brain function's had spread to his household appliances." The alien was apparently the squid thing, and whatever its brain function's were, it made all of vacuums and lights, and whatnot have a mind of there own and the vacuums started to bump into me. Not hard, but like they were nagging.
Then I woke up. After Andrew had a dream in Andrew's Travels 2, he wakes up and says "What the fuck?!" That was exactly my reaction. I think the Arrested Development thing came up cuz I was watching it last night. Maybe the shark became a squid cuz my brain didnt wanna deal with a shark, or maybe because I was watching this thing about giant squids last night (that thing was not, I repeat, was not a giant squid, it was a made up imaginary thing). After that, I have no clue. This has probably been the weirdest dream I've had, and certainly the most dumbfounding. Anyway, thought I'd share with the world how random my brain can be. See? It's not my fault I'm so weird.
**Note: The following comments from myself and Henry are nonsensical with no intellectual merit**
Another late night blog..this one started later
Hello, I'm back again. This is the second time this week I have blogged when tired and/or jittery late at night. Though, the last one ended around 2 in the morn. This one begins about then. I'm starting to blog more, hmmm..maybe this'll become a habit.
I think possibly the reason I blog so late at night is because I'm slightly inhibited logically because of my tiredness. Also, I have had two monsters in the last two days. This has been a mistake. I am feeling the crash, but am still jittery. I tend to have less logic when tired.
I think I have a bone bruise. When ever I flex my arm, or extend/contract it (right arm) I have this pain on my elbow. Feeling around, I discovered it right on a place where two bones meet. My bro says its a bone bruise, but I have come to worry because of the fact that two bones meet there that the cartilage might've worn away. This would be a really bad sign (especially since this usually necessitates a joint replacement, and that it usually only happens to old people). Anyway, thats painful.
I took to "nervous, nauseous, pacing" a while ago (eh, fifteen minutes). My stomach was out of whack in a pain way (most likely cuz of that blasted monster), nervous in my stomach like an intestinal pain (the last time i recall having this sort of feeling, it was right before i asked out a girl), and the pacing was probly cuz i am so jittery cause of that confounded monster! Likely the excess of caffeine, ginseng, and taurine caused all of the symptoms, but that only infuriates me further.
All of this seems odd in reflection, because I am not in a bad mood. Maybe it all seems better cause I've written about it. I don't feel physically good, and remain pessimistic, but I am not in a bad mood. There's a green vase in front of me, that looks like a green flower in the process of blooming. There are orange pillows behind me. I think this cools me down, because i like orange and the mix of flower and green make me happy. I've just realized how fruity all that sounds. C'mon, give me a break; I'm tired.
**written in only 16 minutes btw (the other took almost an hour i think)**
I think possibly the reason I blog so late at night is because I'm slightly inhibited logically because of my tiredness. Also, I have had two monsters in the last two days. This has been a mistake. I am feeling the crash, but am still jittery. I tend to have less logic when tired.
I think I have a bone bruise. When ever I flex my arm, or extend/contract it (right arm) I have this pain on my elbow. Feeling around, I discovered it right on a place where two bones meet. My bro says its a bone bruise, but I have come to worry because of the fact that two bones meet there that the cartilage might've worn away. This would be a really bad sign (especially since this usually necessitates a joint replacement, and that it usually only happens to old people). Anyway, thats painful.
I took to "nervous, nauseous, pacing" a while ago (eh, fifteen minutes). My stomach was out of whack in a pain way (most likely cuz of that blasted monster), nervous in my stomach like an intestinal pain (the last time i recall having this sort of feeling, it was right before i asked out a girl), and the pacing was probly cuz i am so jittery cause of that confounded monster! Likely the excess of caffeine, ginseng, and taurine caused all of the symptoms, but that only infuriates me further.
All of this seems odd in reflection, because I am not in a bad mood. Maybe it all seems better cause I've written about it. I don't feel physically good, and remain pessimistic, but I am not in a bad mood. There's a green vase in front of me, that looks like a green flower in the process of blooming. There are orange pillows behind me. I think this cools me down, because i like orange and the mix of flower and green make me happy. I've just realized how fruity all that sounds. C'mon, give me a break; I'm tired.
**written in only 16 minutes btw (the other took almost an hour i think)**
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Go down a little...
Hey, I wrote a draft and then wrote a new blog out of it so its below "Does everyone remember when..." If you'd like to check out the new blog, you just have to scroll down.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Does everyone remember when...
Does everyone remember when I got the "Which Beatles Song Describes Your Life Right Now?" result and it was Yesterday (depressing..as hell). Guess what? I was thinking about it earlier and I decided to take the test again. I did take it, and the results were different.
All You Need is Love
You are a warm, optimistic person who gets along with almost everyone. You have compassion for almost all living things and you have a strong desire to help others. People find your smile irresistible, as well as your sunny attitude towards life. With a little bit of love, you know that there's nothing you can't achieve.
Although this doesn't sound like me (i am so not optimistic, and my smile is putrescent..and sunny attitude! Gaffaw!), I like it better than yesterday. Yesterday was depressing cause I found so much truth in it. This one is positive though I don't identify with it. I don't know why, but the fact that I don't identify with it at all doesn't bother me. I think I'm glad.
All You Need is Love
You are a warm, optimistic person who gets along with almost everyone. You have compassion for almost all living things and you have a strong desire to help others. People find your smile irresistible, as well as your sunny attitude towards life. With a little bit of love, you know that there's nothing you can't achieve.
Although this doesn't sound like me (i am so not optimistic, and my smile is putrescent..and sunny attitude! Gaffaw!), I like it better than yesterday. Yesterday was depressing cause I found so much truth in it. This one is positive though I don't identify with it. I don't know why, but the fact that I don't identify with it at all doesn't bother me. I think I'm glad.
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